Empty.

I hate feeling so vulnerable. When you're at your weakest point and everything seems to be going down, a feeling of complete emptiness and utter crazy all at once. haih. 

It's a vague feeling of sadness seemingly without cause.

"Have you ever felt that way at one point of your time? I'm sure most of you have. It came, and it left, then it came again, messing up with my mind. Which sucks to the core, if I would say so. I've been feeling neglected and alone for awhile now but weird thing is, I'm surrounded by people whom I hold dear to me & vice versa. It's like when I'm with them I'm watching a whole 2-hour movie and felt everything for a moment, and the next, all I feel is... blah.

--

I'm not being ungrateful or anything near to that, god forbid, but back when my life was a big mess I could sense and feel every single thing, every pain there is and I almost could correctly pinpoint on whatthefuck had gone wrong and I feel alive just knowing that I've gotten out of everything, well, alive and kickin'. All I'm saying is that, when you hit rock bottom you're reminded to move forward so life could feel better for you and you appreciate everyone around but when things get okay, everything just stopped moving. Idle. Stagnant. And then they became mundane, and I wanted something else, but I don't know what.

I wanted to be more, I wanted more. I keep wanting more, which I know if I ever gotten what I wanted, it would never satisfy me one bit. I keep comparing myself/my life to others and then sulk about it which is not healthy (note to self). Not healthy at all. I feel like life has taken me for granted, and there you go I blame life for this, and not vice versa. See? Not making any sense whatsoever.

I don't like what I've become. I push people away. Pushed/am pushing, whichever relevant now. Deep inside, I'm hating everything and this shouldn't be normal right? It's a crime to be normal if I kept feeling this way.

I just. I don't know how to describe my outlook on everything now."

Maybe all I need is a motivation, some sort of positive push or support or even a hug to keep me going through the rough patch whenever this emotional instability hits me and drag me with it to hell. 

I need to find a strong reason to let my ego aside and let the better half of me take over.

Je suis desolee. For making those around me feel like hell acting all cuckoo. I'm not desperately seeking for attention, neither am I being too needy or whiny, but sometimes when I'm cranky/a pain in the ass for no obvious reason, it's my way of telling you that I'm sad. I feel all alone. And I need help. 


I hate fighting this fight.